That's it. I can't do this anymore! I feel ignored, pushed around, controlled and manipulated by everyone around me. It's probably just me but I need to get it out so I'm getting it out right here. Things have gradually got worse, and the last few days I have consumed only 100-200 calories per day. And it sucks, but oh what a great feeling. It makes me feel like being alone isn't such a bad thing as long as I'm in control. A lot of people are alone, but alone doesnt necessarily equal lonely. The thing is, I have really close friends that truly, honestly care about me. The other thing is, these are the people I feel most manipulated and controlled by. My best friend suddenly mad at me, ignoring me, just because I'm having a hard time. If that's her way of showing me that she cares, then I don't really like it. Aren't friends supposed to be there for you even more when your life sucks? Aren't they supposed to be motivating and cheering for you to get better? Well, I don't really feel so supported. Oh, true, they want me to eat. They FORCE me to eat. Yeah, that's really helping, thanks a lot. And it's horrible, but I know that they're only doing it because they love me and they worry. I really don't know what to do. The more they push me, the less I want to eat, and the less I eat, the more they push me. It's horrible. What  happens is that I lock myself in my room, listen to really loud music, refuse to talk to anyone and block out the outside world. I feel like curling up in a ball in the darkest corner and staying there.

"I close my eyes when I get too sad,
I think thoughts that I know are bad.
Close my eyes and count to ten,
hope it's over when I open them."

Why does everyone always blame the media when it's a discussion about eating dissorders? Sure, a lot of girls (and guys) are probably effected by the media and their unrealistic presentation of "perfect", but really, that can't be the main reason. Are we, humans, so self-centered? So obsessed with ourselves that we end up harming ourselves? Why do we care what other people think anyways? They're no better, we're all equal. Their opinions mean nothing. I know everyone's heard it a million times, but it really is the inside that counts. Are we gonna let some stuck-up, gay stylists define "perfect". Are we gonna let them sit there and tell us how we should look to be good enough for this world, and then actually let it affect us so much that we harm our own health? How does that make sense? I personally believe that most of us aren't that self-centered and weak. Sure it causes a lot of people to go on diets, but it's not too serious. Eating dissorders is a whole other concept. It's not just a diet that's gone too far. It's a mental disease, we all know that, but where does it come from? I just can't believe the media can take all the honor. No, it's so much more behind. The control, the pain, everything. We feel the need to punish ourselves in some way, to control our lives somehow, and we use one of the most important things that we need to survive: Food. It's been used for punishment for hundreds of years, usually towards other people. Torture. The hunger pains. The vomit. Why do we give ourselves so much pain? Because it's already there. The pain inside is so great, we have to hurt ourselves to focus on something else, something not so painful. Because nothing is so painful as thepain that you carry inside. Some people simply stuff themselves and love food more than they love themselves. All they can do when life gets tough is eat. A lot people without eating dissorders do this too. It's normal to find comfort in food. "He dumped you? Aw, i'm sorry. Come on, let's go buy tons of ice cream and chocolate and have a slumber party!" I don't see how there's anything wrong with this. Food IS comforting. As long as you don't let it control you. Some people simply get obese, which is very dangerous for your health. But you have no control, you can't help it. Instead of you controlling the food, the food controls you. Other people stuff themselves, and then vomit. You don't necessarily get obese, usually you're body doesn't really change. You look the same, the damage is on the inside. Your teeth rot, your heart gets weaker. It also damages your self-esteem. Just as bingers, you have no control, the food controls you. Some people don't eat at all. And everyone knows what happens when you don't eat. You get thin, thinner, under-nourished and eventually you die. What do all of these have in common? The main issue: Food. Also, control. The food controls you. Also, they could all end up with death.

It's hard for a person who hasn't experienced this to understand it. Why not eat when we have the money, when we have the food, and it's crucial for our survival? Why jepardize your own health, when you could live healthy and happy? Why let something so simple as food become the biggest problem in your life? I don't know how to explain it. You could sort of compare it to smoking. Why do people smoke? It ruins their lungs, they could get cancer, they could die. Still, they do it. Why? Because it's good. They need it. They're addicted. It's the same with eating dissorders. We need it. We're addicted. It's the same with alcoholism, it's the same with drugs and it's the same with self-harm. We need it, we're addicted.

I feel like I'm falling behind again. Why do I even care? I'm so selfish. But the truth is, I can't help it! I can't help wanting to feel hungry, weak and dizzy. It sounds sick, and well, I AM sick! I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any more motivation to deny the thoughts, and I just end up purging whenever I feel a little too full, which is like every other day, and every day if I eat the way I should. My greatest fear is that my friend finds out that I still have these thoughts flying around in my head. I've worked so hard over the summer and the last months to just really, get better, eat regularly, not think about it, but now it's getting really hard. She's so proud of me that I'm doing so much better, but I'm having a relapse and it would kill her if she found out. For her, I'm gonna keep eating, coming to the breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have no choice, but I do feel horrible. It's not like I've got a dream of being thin. That's really  not why I don't wanna eat. It's not a diet that's gone too far. I'm pretty satisfied with my body...sometimes. I'm really hungry now, but I don't wanna eat, I really just can't. Ohh a relapse is the last thing I need right now! I need to be strong for my friend, she needs me. I hate this...

I figured it's time for me to start blogging again. It's been a long time, but now I'm back. I'm staying anonymous so that I can write what I'm really thinking about and what I'm really feeling without having to worry about anyone finding out who I am. I have a lot of thoughts, and a lot of feelings. I'm a little messed up inside and there are things about me that almost no one knows about, and that's what I'll be writing about. I'm hoping maybe for some support from people who go through the same things as me. I don't want to start like a supporting thing where we support each other's negative thoughts, I am so against that sort of thing. I just want to know that I'm not alone and that someone actually understands, because usually no one does.

I'm sort of having a bad day. I've eaten so much today, I feel like all of me is just a big lump of fat. But I'm not supposed to think that way. I'm not allowed. I'm supposed to be recovered. Completely. Yeah. Sure. I don't really think I ever will be truly recovered. Not trying to be negative here, just being honest. Anyways, I hope I can feel a little better soon because I have to study history for a big test tomorrow.

Bye :)